Socializing isn't a goal
What's the real goal?
Something we have to do a lot is ask ourselves "what is our REAL goal here?" when "professional wisdom" and fear-mongering kick in. Last year, when it was clear A- wasn't going to be willing to participate in school in a conventional way, we asked ourselves "what is our goal of 'socializing'"?
It was actually our amazing-SLP that helped us a lot with that. We don't actually care if A- wants to play with certain people, or certain age groups, in a certain way, or not (after all, even Daniel and I have very different ways of showing up in the world when it comes to community, and friends, and what we enjoy).
Our goal, really, is to have him exist in collaboration and cooperation with community, because whether he enjoys playing with someone or not, we have to navigate the world with other people in it in a way that we, and others, are respected.
The other day Daniel and A- went to the playground with a basketball, and A- played with another little girl his age for 15 minutes!!! One of the kids would throw the ball, and the other would run and get it. Then that kid would throw the ball, and the other would run and get it. A- would tell the other girl it was her turn by either looking at her, or gently touching her arm (exactly the same way he communicates with us while playing).
This is only the second time A- has played with another kid like that in some public space. The other time was also basketball, but with a kid much older than him, where basically he'd just want that kid to throw baskets, and the other kid would keep trying to teach A-.
In that case, the other kid didn't speak any English at all, except maybe the word "you". I don't think the other kid even understood A- was non-speaking, but because of the language barrier the other kid was clearly already a pro at communicating in non-word-based-ways. In this case, Daniel said he wasn't able to understand what the girl was saying to him, so maybe she too is used to communication being expansive.
What a beautiful, inclusive, world we could live in where we all exist knowing that communication is about two people coming together and finding ways that work together. How easy that inclusive world would be if all of these kids were just in school together.
Anyway - we dropped the vague "social" goal and have really focused in on supporting A- in being respectful, and treated respectfully, when out and about, which is working really well. And then also sometimes he wants to play.