On "elopers"

I never thought of A- as an “eloper”. But the other day I was thinking, as I ran down the sidewalk chasing A- who was running to a playground that he saw and I was trying to grab the stroller before he got too far away from me, that I guess if eloping is defined as “not staying in a space that a caregiver or supervisor has defined and is telling you that you must stay in, or getting permission before leaving it” then that does fit A-!

And I guess that is the definition of eloping. Since “eloping” in the context of marriage is defined as "running away and getting married without parental permission."

But Eloping is a funny term - both because it’s a funny word, but also because of how it seems to just be used in the context of autistic / disabled kids (we don’t seem to use the word for typical 2 year olds who escape down the street…).

It evokes, for me, some sort of negative intent - or a kid who's forced to be in a horrible school setting and runs away in the middle of the day (and the teachers don't catch it, and then there's a missing kid flyer circulating around Facebook). But it encompasses sooo many different things. Whether it’s running due to sensory overwhelm, due to hating the people you’re with, due to seeing an amazing bus up ahead that’s exciting, due to not understanding or being able to perform compliance, it somehow all gets put under “eloping”.

It's a label that defines behavior, and not reason. And it describes behavior using a word that denotes the ultimate in non-compliance - not listening to who your parents say you're supposed to marry!!! The nerve!!!

It's a label that defines needed accommodations - especially in the school context - a one-on-one to make sure you don't run away. But often it's defining accommodations that are the most important for the supervisors.

It COULD be a label that is used to describe more expansive needs. Like the way I try to stumble through explaining to someone that no, we can't attend a playdate at a park because A- goes where he wants when he wants, so for an open space like a park we can't guarantee that he'd want to go there, or stay there, or go there when you want him to go there. If I said "he's an eloper" it would likely just be met with "ok... then keep an eye on him once you're there". But really, the "accommodation" in this case is "as much as possible, don't try to make him comply with arbitrarily set boundaries of space and time". (Of course, in many cases, this isn't possible for HIS safety. Like streets have buses and cars on them whether I like it or not, so we also need to make sure there's someone by his side when his safety is at risk).

I guess my point is, it would be cool if "eloping" was replaced with "Can't always adhere to physical and temporal boundaries placed on him by caregiver".